It was another night of binge-watching Youtube videos that helped me find this; How Emotionally Healthy Are You? by the School of Life. I was drawn to it as these recent weeks had been doing a number on me but, I was unsure what had caused it. I could not be certain if it is was work, or if it was just me, or my undefined emotions towards my family. I do not even know if I am actually not okay. It is like a complete mess in my head. And I thought this video could maaaybe helped make it clearer?

The narrator did speak like a bullet train, though. No offense to him, I mean it is amazing he could speak so fast but my sloth-ass ears can’t keep up. So, i thought writing them out would be a good way for me to sort of, meditate on it.

There are 4 central themes to how one can identify how emotionally damaged one is at the time:

SELF-LOVE

“When we meet a stranger who has things we don’t, how quickly do we feel ourselves pitiful – and how long can we remain assured by the decency of what we have and are?”

Definitely gets pitiful really quickly. I doubted myself a lot & sometimes, the only way i deal with it is to shove the feelings aside. (Note to self: Remind myself i am good enough and i did my best; everyone’s journey is different)

“When another person frustrates or humiliates us, can we let the insult go, able to perceive the senseless malice beneath the attack – or are we left brooding and devastated, implicitly identifying with the verdict of our enemies?”

No, i do not allow other people’s words to define my values. But, i do get angry and i would always react as if the opposite party is an enemy. (Note to self: Everyone is doing the best they can do at this moment. Everyone is going through a certain pain or suffering & that may be projected into their actions / words. And that is okay. We are all human)

“In relationships, do we have enough self-love to leave an abusive union? Or are we so down on ourselves that we carry an implicit belief that harm is all we deserve?”

Hmm… It is complicated when the relationship is connected by blood. It is not something i ever dwell in. I kinda just want to run away. This could actually be a big source of pain in me but, I don’t think I will ever be ready to deal with it.

“In a different vein, how good are we at apologising to a lover for things that may be our fault? How rigidly self-righteous do we need to be? Can we dare to admit mistakes or does an admission of guilt or error bring us too close to our background sense of nullity?”

I had to literally Google the words used above.
Yes, I do find it very difficult to apologise. I find it scary or more likely, too proud to feel like I made a mistake. I need to be okay with making mistakes. And then, owning them. It is something I need to work on. (Note to self: It is okay to make mistakes. It is okay that your mistakes hurt someone you love; owning up to them will mend the relationship)

“At work, do we have a reasonable, well-grounded sense of our worth – and so feel able to ask for (and properly expect to get) the rewards we are due? Can we resist the need to please others indiscriminately? Are we sufficiently aware of our genuine contribution to say no?”

Half-and-half. It is a work in progress. Still find it difficult to say no to certain level of hierarchy & asking for a raise sobs.

CANDOUR

“How much can we admit to ourselves about who we are – even if, or especially when, the matter is not especially pleasant?”

Very, very difficult, for sure. It takes a lot of self-convincing that I have certain bad traits that needed to be fixed. It is like a mind battle, where I am constantly justifying my actions and the truth is also being spoken until eventually, I understand that I am the problem or I am part of the problem & there are things I need to fix moving forward / how can i tackle it properly next time. Difficult, but not impossible.

“Around others, how ready are we to learn? Do we need always take a criticism of one part of us as an attack on everything about us? How ready are we to listen when valuable lessons come in painful guises?”

I realised recently that this is my big boulder. I can’t take criticism well, and I do not open my mind enough to learn from others. I can’t believe my ego is this huge! But, I am relieved that I am realising this flaw now so I can start working on it consciously. (Note to self: It is okay to feel offended or ashamed but, pause the emotions. Do not let them deny possible lessons that are given willingly. Also, maybe don’t act like a know-it-all when you are not one. Research and educate)

COMMUNICATION

“Can we patiently and reasonably put our disappointments into words that, more or less, enable others to see our point? Or do we internalise pain, act it out symbolically or discharge it with counterproductive rage?”

I realised this early in the beginning of my relationship with my partner. And even with my earlier friendships (which obviously ended in disasters but hey, no fret). I internalised my grief a lot. Probably until the point where no one even realised I was in pain. And when I suddenly exploded, well… it probably left a lot of people confused. I used to be passive aggressive, too. I willed others with my mind in hopes they could understand this rage and sadness I feel inside. And of course no one did. Nobody can read minds. I learnt that the difficult way. I am trying. I am trying to be more fluent with my words. As of now, it is still amateur-ish.

“When other people upset us, do we feel we have the right to communicate or must we slam doors and retreat into sulks? When the desired response isn’t forthcoming, do we ask others to guess what we have been too angrily panicked to spell out? Or can we have a plausible second go and take seriously the thought that others are not merely being nasty in misunderstanding us? Do we have the inner resources to teach rather than insist?”

Ngehhhhh, definitely lacking the patience here. I always want to try and communicate but my emotions run high very quickly. Again, practise pausing may help. I do not know what else I can do to practise patience. I think i overused mine back when i was younger and i lost all of it now.

TRUST

“Will new acquaintances like or wound us? If we are a touch assertive, will they take it or collapse? Will unfamiliar situations end in a debacle?”

I guess not so good… Especially at work. I do well being a lone ranger but, I can’t go very far without working with others, obviously. My patience and tactfulness are always challenged when working with a team. Because I am a perfectionist & hardworking, I get triggered quite a fair bit when my teammates are slacking and not meeting deadlines. And especially, when i know they have been going out having fun, instead. My other problem is I can’t be assertive. I am quite afraid of that, because I do not believe in that sort of leadership. I know it is important, though. I need to learn more.

“Around love, how tightly do we need to cling? If they are distant for a while, will they return? How controlling do we need to be? Can we approach an interesting-looking stranger? Or move on from an unsatisfying one?”

Another half-and-half. I think Stoicism helps. That the people i love that i have with me now will leave or pass on one day. And it won’t do me any good to dwell on lost things or beings. No, I can’t approach an interesting-looking stranger and i feel that is fine. I don’t really need that in my life.

“Do we, overall, feel the world to be wide, safe, and reasonable enough for us to have a legitimate shot at a measure of contentment – or must we settle, resentfully, for inauthenticity and misunderstanding?”

I am sorry but, the boomers in my life live in the latter; in resent, inauthenticity and misunderstanding. So, I do not like that one bit. Yes, i do think the world has many opportunities.

So, total scores are:
Red: 6 / 12 (4 = Self-Love, 1 = Communication, 1 = Candour)
Yellow: 3 / 12 (1 = Self-Love, 1 = Communication, 1 = Trust)
Green: 3 / 12 (1 = Candour, 2 = Trust)

As I can see, I am definitely not emotionally healthy.
And I need to work heavily on my self-love and communication.
I don’t actually know if this is the thing that is bothering me but… at least, I can start somewhere, I supposed.

A close friend of mine received a text message of how her relative had passed away, in the middle of a work meeting. She lives thousand of miles away & there is no way she could return home amidst these pandemic times.

Which got my mind thinking; I could not imagine how it must have felt like to receive news of your loved ones’ death via a text message. Will i feel remorse or grief? Will i be in disbelief? Or will i just be jaded from all the constant scrolling on social media?

I felt like i could very easily fall into the third category. It is increasingly becoming more difficult to empathise in this day & age. For me, at least. I have a mild obsession for horror stories and ever since i discovered Reddit, that obsession is being fed very regularly. And with every post, i can feel that my empathy is dissipating away. It is not that i enjoy watching people suffer. It was completely the opposite. I think i love fictional horror stories and when i am met with real life ones, i… don’t meet them.

Recently, (i think many of us are aware) there is a major unrest in the United States. I am very, very far from America but on Reddit, i get to read many, many stories from the people (this is why i love Reddit). There are a lot of videos showing how the police are just plainly abusing the very people they are supposed to protect. I never watched any of them. I don’t like the idea of watching them and seeing people suffer needlessly.

In that sense, i think that is how i kept myself away from actively feeling my emotions. I am very privileged, i am very lucky. I do not have to suffer what the Americans are suffering through. So it may sound like my opinions are highly ignorant. Maybe. That’s why my mind pondered.

I don’t really know what i am feeling or thinking as of now. (This has been happening pretty frequently) I know i have not been as empathetic as i used to be, and i don’t know if i am comfortable with that. Is it okay if i want to stay the way i am now, or is it something i should improve on? If i improve it, will i actually be contented with myself? If i don’t, can i live with myself?

Questions, questions.

i had been trying to write on my book.
is it apparent that i had failed?
‘cuz look where it leads me back to.
right back here!

Being dramatic aside, I am now trying to catch up with my rhythm of just recording my life again. I really did not seem to enjoy writing on paper. I was too focused on making my handwriting nice, too paranoid to destroy the pristine pages of my precious books, bla bla you get the drift. Whereas on the laptop, i just need to hammer my fingers on the keyboard and voila! The deed is done.

So I am going to try and be diligent with this again (crossed my fingers).

I may have mentioned it before here – I can’t remember & no, I did not re-read my previous posts – that the reason I need to record my stories is because I have the memory capabilities of a single goldfish.

Sometimes, interesting moments happened to me & i somehow managed to completely forgot about it even if said memor(ies) may have hurt me very much. It is getting a bit annoying, especially when I had the (many) chances of talking about my life or myself in general but I just completely blanked out & ended up stuttering some generic sentences of how life should be.

Okay, that was my ramblings for the day.
And since this recording is for me, I will write it for me.
Just a heads up.

There was a distinct time in my short life that I felt I was doing the right thing. Looking back at my actions, I think I was pretty brave as well. I just never knew it would cost me so much so drastically.

I used to have a friend that I loved. We were so close that we spoke of growing old together, of being each other’s soulmates, of just never growing apart. I loved and cared for her so much; it felt like an obsession. It felt like this love was more than friends.

I was so young and naive, I did not see how I failed to identify myself or my sexuality. I did not know how I was being toxic and destructive over this relationship. I am only thankful that I was destroying myself instead of her.

I eventually realised in the end. That it was not in my place to feel jealousy when she has another social life. It was not in my place to hold her down or feel that she owed me time or attention. It was terrible of me to feel that I gave her more love and care than she did for me. It was horrible to feel blind rage over nothing and keeping them all in. It was stupid of me. Really.

I thought that being honest with her and asking for a time off would help our relationship… I thought that it would help me to grow and be better. And then I could treat her better. But, maybe I never did communicate it well enough.

I found out from another mutual friend that she told him we were no longer friends. Even though I only asked for a pause. That hurt me to no end. That was the only time in my life i could feel invisible knives piercing through my chest. I could still remember the sensation, 4 years later.

There were efforts to restart the relationship. But it did not feel the same anymore.

It was already broken.

So, I left it.

It was unhealthy for the both of us anyways. She seemed a lot happier now, too. So, I guess it was a good decision.

I still love her. I still want to share my experiences with her sometimes. I miss her a lot too. And it always hurts when I do. It does not hurt that much anymore. Just very melancholic.

I do not actually remember much about our time together. Depression does that, I guess? I do not remember a lot of things after my second relapse. It is kind of saddening.

I just want this story to be recorded here. Maybe in the future, when I look back at this blog, maybe I can appreciate everything that I have been through. Maybe the future me would appreciate remembering this story. I like to believe that we go through pains and grief for a reason. It shapes us as who we are.

I just miss her again today.

Was exactly what I felt happened in my first ever TEDx talk. As in, everything was quite a blur so the information were all moving too fast for my sailing-away brains to comprehend.

Flashback to a fortnight ago, I signed up for a TEDxAPUKL talk for a mere RM86 (or so. I am terrible with numbers) It was pretty cheap for a talk; even as I say so, I don’t actually have much money to splurge but I thought that this was worth throwing my money away to. It is equivalent to buying a hard-covered book and such a talk have promised the same amount of knowledge to gain.

So, win-win?

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